Piping Hot A Big Bang Theory crack fic
by StupidSequel
Summary: Bored with his amateur train set, Sheldon aims to build a roller coaster made entirely out of bathroom pipes, leaving everyone to go in the middle of the road. Meanwhile Penny reveals she is micro-chipped and constantly monitored by the government.


**Piping Hot (A Big Bang Theory crack fic)**

**(AN: Sorry I haven't been submitting fanfics as frequently as usual. Mild case of writer's block).**

Sheldon was dissatisfied with his model train set, as per usual. The flimsy construction paper path that went through the apartment puzzled and tripped Penny as she was walking up the stairs carrying Leonard because he loved it when she did that.

"Oh my God!" Penny screamed as she held her knee close to her 99% existential chest.

"You wrecked my train set!" Sheldon was angry. "I am testing out something for myself, since I love trains so very much. Now a certain dumb blonde has made things a…" Sheldon did some math on his calculator. "Quantifier multiplied by ten to the sixth power times worse."

"A train set? Dude! There are no trains! And this looks more like an amateur Hot Wheels track than a train track." Leonard pointed out.

"Yeah, and for gosh sakes, PLEASE use an actual train so you're not just guessing." Rajesh demanded.

"Why don't you just go to the hobby store? They have model train sets there you can buy." Penny offered her food for thought. Unfortunately Sheldon thought it tasted like botulism on a hamburger with free radical inducing anomalies.

"Because it's an insult to my intelligence. I have an IQ of the definite integral of the function (insert function that would make it correct because I'm too lazy to do it myself even though I am supposed to be a math major) between the endpoints of x=58 and x=72."

"Dude, are you multilingual? I do not speak Calculus-ese, or whatever the heck that is," Penny claimed.

"You are so lazy if you couldn't figure that out. Know what? I'll just tell you the answer is 305. An IQ of 305. Not only are model train sets an insult to my higher than the maximum part of an asymptotic function on a 2D Cartesian coordinate system at the point where the limit is y approaches positive infinity as x approaches some number, but they are too mainstream. And Raj, I'm not just guessing the gauge; I carefully measure it with this." He held out a thin metal object. It was one of Penny's barrettes.

"I just found it on the floor. You know the floor doesn't have hair, right?" Sheldon held out what appeared to be several Hot Wheels cars with wheels secured and nailed perpendicularly on three sides. "This will be the train. Notice that when I put this on the paper track it will be locked to the track. Normal trains you see snaking their ways around the city, like CSX or Union Pacific, only have those scrawny two wheel trains on those scrawny rails, which is a recipe for disaster. The slightest anomaly on the track could cause a derailment. This wheel arrangement will ensure no derailment, thus a better safety record." He put the train on the track, fixed the part that Penny tripped over with what else but duct tape, and pushed a button on a remote. The Hot Wheels train began to seemingly move on its own.

"I gotta admit, that's pretty cool." Leonard admitted.

"You better think it's cool. I have spent about 219 hours, 56 minutes, and 37 seconds on this thing, and it goes all throughout the apartment. Yes, I counted. If you admitted you thought it was lame, I would have to cut you up into little ant sized pieces." Leonard winced at Sheldon's probably empty threat, but probably best not to test that theory just in case. Nobody seemed to notice Howard going through Penny's dresser drawers, sniffing her underwear, bras, and sleeveless tops, which seemed to significantly outnumber her shirts with actual sleeves, which were about as existential as a non-corrupt government.

"You know, that wheel arrangement reminds me of how roller coaster wheels are arranged, so they can go on any part of the track with ease." Leonard realized. Sheldon stood there, twitching as if he had a seizure.

"This train set is worthless now," Sheldon said through gritted teeth. "I will turn it into a 3D differentiable parametric curve where a body of motion can coast smoothly along it at any point, completely powered by the weakest of the fundamental forces of the universe, gravity." Everyone stared at him wide eyed, but none more so than Penny, who was not particularly dumb, but still a dumb blonde compared to the white and nerdy quartet. "A roller coaster," Sheldon said at last.

He went all through the apartment, ripping up the paper track and throwing it in the garbage.

"Sheldon, couldn't you just use the paper for the roller coaster track?" Leonard said.

"I'm afraid not. The G's on that thing would tear the paper apart, so I would need something stronger. 'Scuse me, I gotta take a piss." When Sheldon was washing his hands while singing 'happy birthday' twice, he had a moment of inspiration. "Pipes are strong enough to withstand the G forces of a model roller coaster."

The next few weeks, the bathroom door was locked, with an 'out of order' sign duct taped to it.

"I can't hold it in any longer," Penny, Leonard, Howard, and Raj complained in unison. Sheldon came out, having unscrewed all the piping. "Unfortunately I'm going to need a lot more pipes than this for my model roller coaster. This will only create at most a twelve foot section of track, complete with ties and the support structure."

"Isn't that enough for a model?"

"I'm afraid you misunderstand. I want to make a world record model here," Sheldon proclaimed. "In fact, so big, it might actually turn out to be rideable by a human. Since all the pipes in the apartment are used up already, I will need to extract pipes from everywhere else."

"You do realize this is illegal, right?" Penny was concerned.

"Not if I disguise myself as a plumber. If Phineas and Ferb, which are child idiots, can build a roller coaster, surely I, a self-proclaimed adult God genius, can perform the task better than them," Sheldon said, complete with an evil laugh.

Sheldon snuck out of the apartment, carrying a plunger and wearing a red cap, white latex gloves, blue overalls, red shirt, and blue jeans. He went from door to door, pretending to be a legit plumber, doing legit plumber stuff, but what he was really doing was taking out the piping so he could build his roller coaster.

This step took all of two days. It wouldn't have taken quite so long if he hadn't been held up by a train. No, he wasn't stuck behind any trains. I mean he was watching the trains go by in their entirety. He couldn't help but laugh at this one train car with graffiti on it that resembled My Little Pony rule 34, and two cars later had an image of Cupcakes Pinkie Pie.

Anyway, back on topic: he was pushing a huge crate with all the pipes in it. For a geeky nerd who only went to the gym biannually, he was quite strong. He pushed the crate back to the apartment. The man could bench press over 690 billion nanograms (less than two pounds). This is where construction would start. Every so often, the residents of the apartment would get up to go use the crapper, forgetting that the body waste would drop down to the next level below because all the piping was gone. Sometimes a person unfortunate enough to be right under got splashed with fecal matter. In response, a town meeting had ended with an agreement to open up the manhole covers and allow people to squat or stand over it, letting their body waste just drop down into the sewer. Many people did not like that because it would mean having to go out into traffic and go take a leak or a dump in full view of the drivers. Still, it was better than the alternative, which was their homes smelling like shit every day.

"Oh hey guys," Sheldon greeted the other nerds and Penny. "All my construction materials are in this crate."

"Why don't you just use several K'nex sets or something? At least that's actually legal," Leonard suggested.

"Only wimps and retards use something as formulaic as a K'nex set. This way, my vector Calculus and advanced physics skills using the concepts of integration methods and parametric and polar curves in three dimensional space can never rust. Admit it. You just don't know how to have fun." Sheldon was being his usual smart ass conceited, egocentric self. "And I may be hoping to ride it with Penny once I'm done," Sheldon added in a half whisper.

"Fine then, go build your stupid bathroom pipe roller coaster-" Leonard started before Sheldon interrupted him.

"How dare you insult my brain child? She's not stupid nor is she just the sum of her parts. She is much more than that. She is the ride warrior's wet dream. Well, she will be soon enough. I will call her 'The Pants Crapper.' And you must address her as such." Sheldon began building the bathroom pipe roller coaster, soon to be known as 'The Pants Crapper.' It was going surprisingly well for a roller coaster made solely out of bathroom pipes. Sheldon used the 'test as you build' method and pretty much just improvising. His ability to calculate parametric curves based on acceleration vectors completely in his head was phenomenal. The lift hill was 150 feet high and he had a clothoid loop after that (if you don't know, ask Sheldon). He planned to use a string of baby bassinets as the coaster train.

When he was done, the bathroom pipe roller coaster's footprint stretched from the bottom floor of the apartment to somewhere about 700 feet away. He was disappointed that it was not as impressive or over the top as the one from Phineas and Ferb, even though he had used all the bathroom pipes in the entire city. Why he wasn't thrown in jail by now is a mystery, even to me, the author.

"FFFFFUUUUUUU-" Sheldon shouted.

"Oh hey, looks like the roller coaster is done. Scuse me, Penny and I wanna be the first riders on-" Leonard then said in an ominous sounding voice "The Pants Crapper. A fitting name considering it uses BATHROOM pipes that you got **in the bathroom.**" The bold part was said exactly like how NintendoCapriSun says it. Penny looked all super reluctant.

"Oh hell no! I'd rather kiss Justin Bieber on the butt, and I am a hater. That thing doesn't look safe at all. C'mon. Baby bassinets used as coaster cars? I'd feel safer inside the 9/11 towers shortly before collapse," Penny voiced her concern. Sheldon wanted to prove her wrong, that it was just as safe as if it was done by professional engineers who can work multivariable triple integrals in their sleep. He strapped himself into a baby bassinet and started up the ride. He was going up, up, and away. Somewhere during the course of the ride, the forces were strong enough to rip Sheldon's head off! Ouch!

"My God, are you okay?" Rajesh ran toward the headless Sheldon. Penny barfed around. Howard ran back inside the apartment and came out with a puzzling looking apparatus. It looked like a pickle jar with some strange liquid inside. He gathered Sheldon's head and put it inside.

"Oh good, you found my head in a jar thing in case I ever got beheaded. That would come in handy if the Christian end times were a real thing, but science is the one true religion for us nerds. Watching Futurama really pays off." Howard was trying to calculate the G's on every point of the track since Sheldon was probably too proud to admit that he miscalculated. He was having immense trouble, so he put his face into Penny's chest before she could stop him and smelled her bra. Now that he smelled Penny's bra, he could perform his calculations with ease. At the point where Sheldon's head flew off, he calculated the lateral G's to be 7.8.

"Howard, why you creepin, bro? You're creepy as fork." Penny sed.

"My powerful brain is powered by smelling your personal clothing. Without it, I cannot do any nerd shit. The other day I had to smell your T-shirt just to figure out where to go to the bathroom." Penny had a confused look on her face.

"I don't have any T-shirts. I don't have anything with sleeves. In fact, I never, ever wore anything with sleeves. Ever. I am not allowed. See, the government micro-chipped me so that if I ever put on anything with sleeves, they could assassinate me. This may sound worse than the NDAA, but so far no one seems to give a rat's behind. I'm not the only one who is under the careful eye of the government. Anyone who is deemed 'sexy' has to be micro-chipped and not allowed to wear sleeves. The more skin we show, the more attractive we are to the government."

Howard went on to modify Sheldon's creation because he had knowledge that he didn't have before he sniffed Penny's clothes. There was a curve that was significantly tighter than the rest of the ride. Howard got out a welding torch and got to work on making the curve wider. According to his calculations, the new curve radius would produce a lateral force of 0.4, and the new banking angle was 67 degrees (before it was 22 degrees).

"SCIENCE DAMMIT! Howard, I hate you now. This is even worse than the time Penny ruined my spot on the couch. You have ruined my ride." Sheldon's head in a jar bemoaned (whatever that means).

"But I made it survivable," Howard spat back.

"No, my calculations were perfect!"

"Oh yeah? Well, tell me how you got 0.4 G's when you made the arc length calculation for G force curvature on an Agnesi based banking transition and a quintic force derivative."

"Okay, I might have screwed up that calculation." Sheldon's head in a jar was thinking hard using his computer like brain that if your friends with, means you're tougher than Chuck Norris and Mario Mario combined. "Oh, I know what I did wrong." Penny thought they might as well have been speaking Chinese pig Latin while drunk.

"This is the first time I ever heard you admit you were wrong about anything ever," Howard said, chuckling slightly.

"When using the arc length formula that one time, I forgot to make sure the derivative of the parametric 3D sine curve was squared. Crap! Calculus 2 teachers always stress that when teaching the curve length formula, to not just put the derivative, but the square of the derivative under the square root." Sheldon seemed to say it all in one syllable.

When Howard was done modifying Sheldon's hard work after the insane curve, he strapped himself in the baby bassinet and took a ride. It was actually quite fun for a ride made of bathroom pipes. When Howard got off, he had to pee. So he stood in line to use the manhole cover entrance. There were cars going around the long line, desperately swerving to avoid hitting anyone in line. Something had to be done.

"Screw this," one person got out of line. "I don't care if my house gets covered in shit below the bathroom level, I am not degrading myself by pulling my pants down in front of a line of traffic."

Meanwhile, Leonard held Penny's hand and decided to take her on a romantic ride on Sheldon's pipe coaster, the Pants Crapper. It went smoothly. Yes, the ride did stink of sulfur and body waste, but that did not make it any less fun to ride. Sheldon was feeling increasingly jealous that just a head in a jar would not be able to enjoy his newly modified roller coaster. Leonard felt a little pity for him even though he almost considered him as much of a friend as Hitler.

That night during coitus, this exchange of dialog occurred:

"You don't think I'm attractive?" Penny gasped.

"It's not that. More like I'm so used to seeing your face and body that I don't think anything of it anymore. Just average," Leonard said almost flatly.

"We've had coitus almost every night!"

"Yeah, that's the thing. It gets tiresome. Maybe it's time to move on."

"Fine then. I am unsubscribing from your YouTube channel!" Penny snapped. Leonard already had 455 subscribers. Losing just one would make that part of his life no longer point 0,0,0,0 on a 4D function on a Cartesian coordinate system. He wanted to get revenge on sweet Penny for deciding to unsubscribe, and he also knew that Sheldon wanted to reride his own coaster. He thought of a single solution that would solve both problems at once.

While Penny was sleeping, Leonard got out a chainsaw and sliced Penny's head clean off. He got Sheldon's head out of its jar and, with the help of the other two nerds, surgically attached Sheldon's head to Penny's body. Ta da!

"What the crap? Why do I have boobs?" Sheldon went in the middle of the road to take a leak. "AND WHERE IS MY MANHOOD?"

"Relax. Now you can ride your roller coaster."

Sheldon strapped himself into the baby bassinet coaster train and was off. He came back just fine, but with an expressionless countenance. He suddenly forgot about his girl body and quickly got used to it.

"Boring as hell. What I need to do in order to not get bored is to make one that parallels the roller coaster on Phineas and Ferb by using every single bathroom pipe in the entire world!" Sheldon laughed evilly as a thunderclap sounded.

So he succeeded in gathering every bathroom pipe in the world (I will spare you all the boring details) and got to work. After taking a shower in the creek (he was armed with a single bar of soap) and changing into his Green Lantern shirt, he was confronted by the cops.

"May I remind you that it's illegal for you to wear anything with sleeves? You better take that off or you're going away for a loooooong time!" Sheldon remembered what Penny had said about being micro-chipped due to her immense beauty, and since he was in her body, that meant he was micro-chipped. This was worse than the TSA, both the South Park version and the real life version. Sheldon took back off his Green Lantern shirt to reveal his chest that now had to have a censor bar over it. Sheldon ate his Green Lantern shirt and put on one of Penny's spaghetti straps on him. This feeling of the government constantly watching over him reminded him of George Orwell's 1984. The police nodded and licked their lips.

While in Penny's top, he was working on building the ultimate ride, which would wrap around the interstate like the Phineas and Ferb roller coaster (no, I do not see myself writing a Phineas and Ferb crack. However, I do have a concept for a South Park crack, so stay tuned).

Just as Sheldon was putting the finishing touches on his roller coaster, Leonard had something to say to him.

"You know bathroom pipes have germs on them, right?" Sheldon vomited out of surprision.

"Oh. My. Freaking. God! I have been riding a thing that shit and piss touched! Ahhhh!" Sheldon screamed. This clearly was not his day. "I was so caught up in creating the ultimate ride that I forgot that bathroom pipes have germs! Wait. If stealing all the bathroom pipes in the entire world is illegal, then why are the police not dragging my ass to jail?"

"Isn't it obvious? I think being forced to live with Penny's body on you with the microchip restricting what you can wear because the government thinks more skin showing equals more attractiveness, thus being in a 1984 type nightmare is punishment enough." Sheldon knew a way to circumvent all that.

Six months later he dragged his fat, unshaven body off the couch and shat in the middle of the road. Now he could wear all the Green Lantern shirts he wanted because he was no longer attractive to the government! Everyone got used to every house in the world filling with fecal matter because everyone refused to go out in traffic and risk becoming road kill. It was better than the lack of privacy.


End file.
